dear emerson

i just wanted to let you know that i love that you love weird things.  you get so attached to the strangest things….like mail order catalogs.  you love them so much and every time one comes, you get super excited and thank me like i bought you the best birthday present ever.  haha.   you even sleep with them at night.  i'm not sure what the appeal is but you like any and all of them.  you also get strangely attached to other things, like a rock, an empty tape roll, etc….kind of like a little hoarder.  its so adorable and i love it.  stay weird my little one.  stay weird.  :)

To my lovlies,

It's been almost a year really, since i've thought about writing. actually, i've probably thought of it a million times but in recent months, i think i totally forgot about this place. so much has happened in our lives since i last wrote and most of it is good. FINALLY!!

since my last letter, your dad moved all the way from NY to gloucester so he could be with his girls. there's been a lot of things that have made me unhappy with your dad but this was probably one of my proudest moments of him. it takes a lot to move your whole life and take such a risk of failure, but he was willing to do that to be with you guys and that says a lot about him and his love for his children. gloucester is not the place either he or i wanted to end up, and it certainly doesnt meant this is the end of our journey, but it's where we ended up and even though we arent together as a family in the same house, we are doing our absolute best to be together, separately, in the same city so that we can still be a family. no matter where we all live though, whether how close or how far apart, we will always be a family and i will do everything in my power to try to make things work out between me and your dad so that being a family doesnt ever become an awful experience for any of us. trust me when i tell you that i have put so much aside so that i can make this work and you know what? its been worth it. a million times over.

anyway, we moved into our own place and arent living with nannie and papi anymore…phew!!! you guys loved having them around, and i grew up living above my grandparents, so i totally understand how awesome it can be, but we needed our own place and once you adjusted, i think you guys really like it too. having a playground right across the street probably doesnt hurt either.

aside from all of that, emerson- my muffin, you started preschool!! i cant believe what a big girl you are getting to be! you have never had a babysitter or gone to daycare so i was so worried about how you would do going to preschool but you jumped right in and didnt look back. it reminds me of the first time i had you sleep in your own room and i was a nervous wreck. you just went to sleep and were totally fine. i am so proud of you and so glad that you are loving it so much. but do me a favor and stop growing up! i want you to stay my baby forever!

suriah…my little love bug. you are like a little sour gummy bear. they have these commercials about them where the gummy bears do something mean or "sour" and then are super sweet afterwards. that is totally how you operate. you will be nursing and look up at me and whack me in the face…then when i tell you no-no thats not nice to hit mama, you will reach up and stroke you face lovingly and stop nursing to give me a kiss. i dont understand why you cant just be my sweet little love bug but its kinda cute that you are a little "sour" too. keeps things lively.

well my lovelies…i have a semi-permanent job and things are finally starting to look up. i hope we have turned the corner and that things will keep looking up for us. i want to give you guys so much and want to be able to provide for you both. i love you both more than anything..

dear suriah,

my apologies to you baby. already i cant give you the same things your sister had. a lot has happened in our little family since i got pregnant with you and honestly, it's been the hardest year of my life. my biggest apology is that you don't have a father really. because he and i broke up before you were even born, you never really had a chance to bond with him or have a special relationship with him, like emerson has. and then when life came crashing down further and we had to move to MA, we moved 6 hours away from your father...and now, at almost a year old, you don't even know who he is. it makes me sad that you will never get that time back to bond with him and it also makes me angry about all the things that have happened to lead us to this. i wanted nothing more than for you to have an intact family, even if it was just for a little bit, like emerson had. but that was impossible. trust me when i say, it was impossible for that to happen.

i do what i can to make it up to you. i never want you to feel second best. i grew up my whole life feeling second best to my older brother, like we were always competing in every aspect of our lives, and i don't want you and emerson to feel the same way. you might be my second born, but you are never second best and i will do everything i can to make things as "fair" as i can for you. life has been crazy since you were born but i do what i can to make sure i keep up with important things so that when you look back, you won't think you got lost in the shuffle because of being the second kid, or because you weren't around your father or because life was just so darn complicated for us that there wasn't time. i know i'm not a perfect mom but i try hard to at least give the things to you that i was able to give to emerson, regardless of the fact that i am now an unemployed, single mom.

you are so totally different from your sister and it is in each of those differences that makes me love you. i love that you have a totally different personality from emerson...that you are totally and completely YOU. i can't wait to watch you grow up and i'm sure i will forget and compare you to emerson at times but i am so excited that you are different and you will do things your own way and i want you to know that i never want you to be anything but YOU. don't try to be your sister. i know she is older than you and you will hopefully look up to her and that's awesome. but don't ever try to BE her. be yourself. i never want you to feel that you are competing for my attention or love and that in order to get it, you need to be like emerson. you are already so different and i can't wait to see how you will grow as a person.

p.s. i love the way you "meow" back at the kitties. it totally sounds like "hoooow" but i know what you mean and it's so damn cute. i kind of hope you never correct yourself...

dear kiddos,

i don't know if i will ever actually show this blog to you but i needed to create it to tell you about our life together and the daily things i wish you understood but you are both too young. we are in this together, our little family. i wish i could explain to the both of you how much i love you and when i pictured having children and the life i could give them, this wasn't that life. i wanted so badly for you both to grow up with a mom and a dad, and believe me when i say that i tried, probably harder than i should have, to make things work out with your dad. i never wanted my kids to have to grow up with just a mother around and only time will tell how much involvement your father will have.

this blog is just the thoughts i have for each of you, the daily things i wish i could tell you but you dont understand, my frustrations, my love, my confessions.....everything.