Friday, December 17, 2010

dear suriah,

my apologies to you baby. already i cant give you the same things your sister had. a lot has happened in our little family since i got pregnant with you and honestly, it's been the hardest year of my life. my biggest apology is that you don't have a father really. because he and i broke up before you were even born, you never really had a chance to bond with him or have a special relationship with him, like emerson has. and then when life came crashing down further and we had to move to MA, we moved 6 hours away from your father...and now, at almost a year old, you don't even know who he is. it makes me sad that you will never get that time back to bond with him and it also makes me angry about all the things that have happened to lead us to this. i wanted nothing more than for you to have an intact family, even if it was just for a little bit, like emerson had. but that was impossible. trust me when i say, it was impossible for that to happen.

i do what i can to make it up to you. i never want you to feel second best. i grew up my whole life feeling second best to my older brother, like we were always competing in every aspect of our lives, and i don't want you and emerson to feel the same way. you might be my second born, but you are never second best and i will do everything i can to make things as "fair" as i can for you. life has been crazy since you were born but i do what i can to make sure i keep up with important things so that when you look back, you won't think you got lost in the shuffle because of being the second kid, or because you weren't around your father or because life was just so darn complicated for us that there wasn't time. i know i'm not a perfect mom but i try hard to at least give the things to you that i was able to give to emerson, regardless of the fact that i am now an unemployed, single mom.

you are so totally different from your sister and it is in each of those differences that makes me love you. i love that you have a totally different personality from emerson...that you are totally and completely YOU. i can't wait to watch you grow up and i'm sure i will forget and compare you to emerson at times but i am so excited that you are different and you will do things your own way and i want you to know that i never want you to be anything but YOU. don't try to be your sister. i know she is older than you and you will hopefully look up to her and that's awesome. but don't ever try to BE her. be yourself. i never want you to feel that you are competing for my attention or love and that in order to get it, you need to be like emerson. you are already so different and i can't wait to see how you will grow as a person.

p.s. i love the way you "meow" back at the kitties. it totally sounds like "hoooow" but i know what you mean and it's so damn cute. i kind of hope you never correct yourself...

dear kiddos,

i don't know if i will ever actually show this blog to you but i needed to create it to tell you about our life together and the daily things i wish you understood but you are both too young. we are in this together, our little family. i wish i could explain to the both of you how much i love you and when i pictured having children and the life i could give them, this wasn't that life. i wanted so badly for you both to grow up with a mom and a dad, and believe me when i say that i tried, probably harder than i should have, to make things work out with your dad. i never wanted my kids to have to grow up with just a mother around and only time will tell how much involvement your father will have.

this blog is just the thoughts i have for each of you, the daily things i wish i could tell you but you dont understand, my frustrations, my love, my confessions.....everything.